Music: La Corda D'oro - Tip-top Shape
Topic: Bitch rant bitch whine

Ahhh, good thing a happy song popped on to make me feel less rant-tastic.

I had basically abandoned this blog because no matter how long I wait, someone will always come back and read it and make me angry for doing so. So I just don't give a shit anymore. My one confident isn't online for me to bitch with and make me feel better so I need to let off some steam right now before I hang myself or something.

All those stupid kids on world chat make me sick. They are going on about how the LOVED highschool, and how everyone LOVED them, and when I say I hated it, they are all like gasp, wtf?! And I say of course you loved it, you were popular, and they just go oooh, no I wasn't tee hee I'm fake happy. It pisses me off how people always have to say contradicting things like that just so they can match your misery.

Why do we all try to out bitch each other? I say one thing, and someone HAS to say something that proves they are more miserable then me. YES I am aware that people out there have it far worse, but when I am feeling miserable I don't care to hear the misery of others. I'm all for that when I am feeling happy and I can change the mood around with it, but when I am bitchy let me be bitchy. God.

So yeah, I was trying to explain how I discovered I hate my life and I hated my friends and how I wish I had a different life because this one is just miserable. And they are like, oooh, people are mean, hee hee. And I am like that's great, shut up. I am well aware people are mean and cruel and should be shot, but all I want is a little sympathy because I thought these people were different. Sue me for wishing someone would say Oh, I'm sorry, or Oh, I hope it gets better.

On a happier but even worse note, I finally have a normal crush. I had dreams about it, many times now. I didn't think it would happen, I kind of told myself I wouldn't let it happen. But it did. But it's alright, I've already crushed all my own hopes, its cool. When you have dreams of this special someone being snatched away by someone you care about... well, yeah. It's entirely possible, and makes me not want to pursue at all, in case I hurt either one of them. And that's why I hate myself. I need to grow a spine. Stand up for myself, and make my own happiness.

But I am incapable.

I have come to the realization many, many years ago that I am a person who needs to depend on another. Without someone to lean on, I am nothing. I am a shell. I have no feelings, no emotions. I need someone to make me live. Only once or twice have I felt like I've truly lived, but it was all short lived, really.

I always wish I was born back a couple of centuries, or in China or something. Why? So I could have an arranged marriage. I am the type that would force myself to fall in love if it were to make me feel better. My life would have been so much easier if someone just TOLD me that this is who it's gonna be, you'll be happy, the end. But of course I live in a modern age where I have to decide for myself, and they have to agree. Bah, I hate it. Arranged marriage for the empty girl, please.

Because of these thoughts, I've also thought, hey, let's go become a Nun. Oh no, I'm not Catholic? No problem. I can make myself Catholic. They worship the same god, it's all good. If I was a nun, I wouldn't have to worry about the drama, the people, the emotion. I could spend my day praying and cleaning, seclusive and quiet. What a charming lifestyle. I could learn to love it. But it won't happen.

And back to I am miserable. It's roundabout, how my thoughts work. Why can't I be whisked away to another world where I can be happy, meet new people, go on an adventure, and become a new person? I feel like I can't be who I really am with people, online or offline. Online, I always seem to have someone who knows me offline watching. And offline, I'm not allowed to be anything but happy, or else my mom bitches at me for being miserable and how I should be happy, blah blah blah what is wrong let's talk about it, why don't you talk to your friends anymore blah blah blah.

Man, if I weren't such a coward, suicide would be a great option. But it's an ultimate sin, and I'm not really up to burning in hell. And I hate pain. It just wouldn't work out.

Ah, I feel my frown lifting. This is good therapy.