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| Topic: Oasis
Mood: Tired
Music: Gackt - Oasis
It's me. Interpet how you like.
Until the night slowly ended, I was embracing you
Until I lose everything, without noticing I was being drowned in silence "It's painful... "
If it had been my former self, my face would have been distorted in agony
If it's now, even this pain remembers kindness More than eternally embracing an illusion
In a moment I'd choose freedom Unfold your wings and take off into the sky
Before you're burned, become the sun
Blow, oh wind... It guides you into the sky
Before your whole self is taken away Continuing to live in the far off past is your hollow self
If you're forever unmoved, you should be torn to pieces If you can seize my outstretched arms, then even if you're alone
You can still smile Bask in the golden sands and soar into the sky
Become the brilliantly shining sun
Ride the wind... Spread both of your hands
Before you're entirely broken down You're shivering
Who do you live for?
"In order to discover..."
Believe in everything Unfold your wings and take off into the sky
Before you're burned, become the sun
Blow, oh wind... It guides you into the sky
Before your whole self is taken away Bask in the golden sands and soar into the sky
Become the brilliantly shining sun
Ride the wind... Spread both of your hands
In order to entirely find yourself | | |
| Topic: I'm losing my mind
Mood: Nothing, really
Music: Ouran High - Doki Doki Waku Waku
I read an Ouran High School Host Club fanfic, about Haruhi and the twins. It pretty much ends up with all three living together.. and Haruhi loses her mind because she had made the transition from the pauper life she had lead, to the extravagant, and flamboyant life with the twins.
I almost wish I could end that way. Actually, not almost. I wish I could be swept away from this life, into another. I've already done some of the terrible things Haruhi had done. It's not that far off. I have alienated almost everyone unknowningly. I go on the computer, but all I do is play solitaire. I go to school, but how much do I actually talk or hang out with any of them anymore? It's not like they want to hang out with me, or talk with me, they are all to caught up in their wonderful lives, while I am slowly losing myself to my own mind.
Isn't it wonderful? I've always been a little insane, I know that. My imagination has never stopped, and the only ones I talk to anymore don't exist. At night, my mind wanders to far away, happy places, where I'm far away from here, and where I am liked, where I have friends, where I am happy, where I am comforted for all the issues I've had in this life, where no matter my feelings, I am always comforted, where I am far away from all this crap, where I can be happy and free, and nothing else matters anymore.
Do I sound insane? I already know I've lost. I tried to stop. I tried, but then it all came back. Of course, I should have tried harder, but when you feel like you really don't have friends anymore, where you don't have anyone you can honestly talk to and share you wretched feelings with, would you want to leave? It's like another world, and no matter what happens, I can always be happy... be freed... and I can't explain it any clearer. I go there, and they always ask me why I wait till then before I let it all go. I tell them because no one wants to hear from me, no one wants to hear my feelings, my pains, why I'm always so upset, and then they tell me they will hear me out, and I listen, I give in, and I lose myself again, every night, every morning.
Sadly, this used to just be a nightly ritual to help me go to sleep. But now I can't function without my ritual, and it even continues into the morning. It's like I'm finally getting the life I want, except no one else can see them. It's just me and my friends, but I have to speak quietly, because I know no one else can see them. I can barely see them as it is, but I know they are there. Hah, one is beside me now. He isn't pleased, but at the same time, he's encouraging me to continue. It's comforting to know at least one person out there believes in me still. But he can't save me from this, because while I know he is there, no one elses seems to, and it's like I'm just insane.
I'm lucky they don't follow me outside the house. They don't like confronting these people I tell them about. They don't have to worry when they stay at the house, it's not like I have any friends that ever do, or want to visit anymore. While I have the rare visit from Becca maybe once a month, they disappear to my room, because they know I won't lead anyone there unless for absolute necessity, and I still manage to warn them. Could you imagine the responses I would get from taking this beyond my home?
No, you can't. Because, you, my reader, do not exist either. | | |
| Topic: Mom's Rant
Mood: Crappy
Music: Chrono Crusade - Sayonara Solitia
So mom rants to me about my spending habits. She keeps saying "You'll have no money for college!"
Honestly, right now, I have no interest in college. I am smart in nothing, what the hell would my major be? | | |
| Topic: An interesting story
Mood: Better
Music: Chrono Crusade - Tsubasa wa Pleasure Line
So, I bought Chrono Crusade on Friday. I finished it yesterday, and it was so depressing, I was even sadder than usual.
So I go to school, Zoe is angry because Chris said he'd be there, and she was lonely. He did show up, but we were both sitting together, in a zoned out sad mood.
Eventually Chris and Zoe had an arguement, causing both to cry, and made me cry. (I won't discuss their arguement - I don't think I was suppose to hear it, but I did..)
Anyways, so I was crying. Than I calmed down. Than I told Jenna about the ending to Chrono Crusade (because I told her about it, but hadn't finished it), and began crying again. I moved back to Zoe, and Chris and her had calmed down.
Chris leaned into Zoe, because he couldn't hear her, and Zoe let's out a huge burp in his face, making me go into hysterical laughter. So much, I was sobbing.
When I calmed down again, I moved back to my usual spot, but I was crying again. And I couldn't stop.
Ever had that feeling? I was laughing, having conversations, but I was crying so hard I couldn't see. It was like.. all that depression just built up until that moment.
Anyways, I feel a little better. Chrono Crusade is still sad, and makes me upset, but I'm no longer on the verge of tears.
What an odd day. | | |
| Topic: Lots of Junk, as per usual.
Mood: Depressed
Music: Nana Kitade - Hold Heart
Have you ever hit such a low, that you wonder about your own death? I was thinking today... if I died tomorrow, how many of my friends would really care?
What I mean is, of course everyone would be like "Oh God!" but from when Kel's friend Jana died, she was so overcome with grief, I wonder if I have a friend that would actually react that way?
I can't honestly think of one right now. They'd be upset (though some I don't even see that far), but would they cry, and mean it? Not just "Oh, how tragic", but a "Oh god, my friend died.." I still don't see anyone really doing that.
It's sad that I've lost faith in you all. But I have. I hate myself, and so how can I like anyone else? Plus, you all know I'm depressed. I don't have anyone to talk to either, because I'm alone in every frickening class, and at lunch, Jenna and Zoe are the only two who even talk to me, and it's not like we're close.
Thanks guys. If I die, you can all piece together you're collected information on why. Nadine has this, Erica has my story from today.. and well, there really is nothing else that I have told anyone about.
And even then, does Nadine really have this?
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