cutepiku's Xanga

Grrrahahhhughhh

Sat, 28 Feb 2009 04:52:50 GMT

Music: La Corda D'oro - Tip-top Shape
Topic: Bitch rant bitch whine

Ahhh, good thing a happy song popped on to make me feel less rant-tastic.

I had basically abandoned this blog because no matter how long I wait, someone will always come back and read it and make me angry for doing so. So I just don't give a shit anymore. My one confident isn't online for me to bitch with and make me feel better so I need to let off some steam right now before I hang myself or something.

All those stupid kids on world chat make me sick. They are going on about how the LOVED highschool, and how everyone LOVED them, and when I say I hated it, they are all like gasp, wtf?! And I say of course you loved it, you were popular, and they just go oooh, no I wasn't tee hee I'm fake happy. It pisses me off how people always have to say contradicting things like that just so they can match your misery.

Why do we all try to out bitch each other? I say one thing, and someone HAS to say something that proves they are more miserable then me. YES I am aware that people out there have it far worse, but when I am feeling miserable I don't care to hear the misery of others. I'm all for that when I am feeling happy and I can change the mood around with it, but when I am bitchy let me be bitchy. God.

So yeah, I was trying to explain how I discovered I hate my life and I hated my friends and how I wish I had a different life because this one is just miserable. And they are like, oooh, people are mean, hee hee. And I am like that's great, shut up. I am well aware people are mean and cruel and should be shot, but all I want is a little sympathy because I thought these people were different. Sue me for wishing someone would say Oh, I'm sorry, or Oh, I hope it gets better.

On a happier but even worse note, I finally have a normal crush. I had dreams about it, many times now. I didn't think it would happen, I kind of told myself I wouldn't let it happen. But it did. But it's alright, I've already crushed all my own hopes, its cool. When you have dreams of this special someone being snatched away by someone you care about... well, yeah. It's entirely possible, and makes me not want to pursue at all, in case I hurt either one of them. And that's why I hate myself. I need to grow a spine. Stand up for myself, and make my own happiness.

But I am incapable.

I have come to the realization many, many years ago that I am a person who needs to depend on another. Without someone to lean on, I am nothing. I am a shell. I have no feelings, no emotions. I need someone to make me live. Only once or twice have I felt like I've truly lived, but it was all short lived, really.

I always wish I was born back a couple of centuries, or in China or something. Why? So I could have an arranged marriage. I am the type that would force myself to fall in love if it were to make me feel better. My life would have been so much easier if someone just TOLD me that this is who it's gonna be, you'll be happy, the end. But of course I live in a modern age where I have to decide for myself, and they have to agree. Bah, I hate it. Arranged marriage for the empty girl, please.

Because of these thoughts, I've also thought, hey, let's go become a Nun. Oh no, I'm not Catholic? No problem. I can make myself Catholic. They worship the same god, it's all good. If I was a nun, I wouldn't have to worry about the drama, the people, the emotion. I could spend my day praying and cleaning, seclusive and quiet. What a charming lifestyle. I could learn to love it. But it won't happen.

And back to I am miserable. It's roundabout, how my thoughts work. Why can't I be whisked away to another world where I can be happy, meet new people, go on an adventure, and become a new person? I feel like I can't be who I really am with people, online or offline. Online, I always seem to have someone who knows me offline watching. And offline, I'm not allowed to be anything but happy, or else my mom bitches at me for being miserable and how I should be happy, blah blah blah what is wrong let's talk about it, why don't you talk to your friends anymore blah blah blah.

Man, if I weren't such a coward, suicide would be a great option. But it's an ultimate sin, and I'm not really up to burning in hell. And I hate pain. It just wouldn't work out.

Ah, I feel my frown lifting. This is good therapy.

Frick

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 01:39:55 GMT

I don't have any god damned friends, do I?

Lost Thoughts

Fri, 09 May 2008 05:00:30 GMT

Music: None
Topic: ...

I can't believe that after 6 years, my thoughts return to the one man that I actually loved.

A friend of mine mentioned a romantic predicament to me, and then thoughts go back to years ago.

I met him online. I never really met him, but I was close. I was 12, he was 16. We met through my fansite, and he introduced himself as Ashton.

We chatted a lot. We both had a lot of similar interests, and eventually, we decided to online date. I learned his name was Nick. We sent each other pictures. We exchanged secrets. He made me smile when I was down. He made me happy.

My cat died in grade 6. I cried to him as they took the cat away. He comforted me, and I loved him.

Eventually, my friend told me that she was chatting to him to. He admitted to her that he had a crush on her. It broke my heart. I confronted him, and we broke up. He was angry at me for not trusting him.

We never talked again.

I feel like... he was the only one that will ever care...

I still remember his e-mail address...

Conclusive

Wed, 12 Mar 2008 11:51:33 GMT

Topic: Conclusive Evidence
Mood: Sleepy
Music: None

I have come to the conclusion that I am insane. The End.

What is this?

Fri, 22 Feb 2008 02:33:34 GMT

Topic: Okita
Mood: Painful
Music: Chrono Crusade - Sayonara Solitaire

I don't understand what I am feelings.
My heart feels heavy, and breathing is difficult.

Some would describe it as love, but is that possible? I mean, this man died over 100 years ago.
And yet, I feel some strange connection. I want to know more about him. And it depresses me.

And now I can't function properly.
Okita Soji, why are you the most beautiful person ever created?

Why is it that everyone I've ever wanted were born so long before I?
Why could I not have been born in another time period, where I would have found love more easily?

Why can't I know you, Okita-san?
God, what is wrong with me?

Oasis

Fri, 15 Jun 2007 02:27:05 GMT

Topic: Oasis
Mood: Tired
Music: Gackt - Oasis

It's me. Interpet how you like.

Until the night slowly ended, I was embracing you
Until I lose everything, without noticing I was being drowned in silence

"It's painful... "
If it had been my former self, my face would have been distorted in agony
If it's now, even this pain remembers kindness

More than eternally embracing an illusion
In a moment I'd choose freedom

Unfold your wings and take off into the sky
Before you're burned, become the sun
Blow, oh wind... It guides you into the sky
Before your whole self is taken away

Continuing to live in the far off past is your hollow self
If you're forever unmoved, you should be torn to pieces

If you can seize my outstretched arms, then even if you're alone
You can still smile

Bask in the golden sands and soar into the sky
Become the brilliantly shining sun
Ride the wind... Spread both of your hands
Before you're entirely broken down

You're shivering
Who do you live for?
"In order to discover..."
Believe in everything

Unfold your wings and take off into the sky
Before you're burned, become the sun
Blow, oh wind... It guides you into the sky
Before your whole self is taken away

Bask in the golden sands and soar into the sky
Become the brilliantly shining sun
Ride the wind... Spread both of your hands
In order to entirely find yourself

Insanity?

Sun, 06 May 2007 17:41:32 GMT

Topic: I'm losing my mind
Mood: Nothing, really
Music: Ouran High - Doki Doki Waku Waku

I read an Ouran High School Host Club fanfic, about Haruhi and the twins. It pretty much ends up with all three living together.. and Haruhi loses her mind because she had made the transition from the pauper life she had lead, to the extravagant, and flamboyant life with the twins.

I almost wish I could end that way. Actually, not almost. I wish I could be swept away from this life, into another. I've already done some of the terrible things Haruhi had done. It's not that far off. I have alienated almost everyone unknowningly. I go on the computer, but all I do is play solitaire. I go to school, but how much do I actually talk or hang out with any of them anymore? It's not like they want to hang out with me, or talk with me, they are all to caught up in their wonderful lives, while I am slowly losing myself to my own mind.

Isn't it wonderful? I've always been a little insane, I know that. My imagination has never stopped, and the only ones I talk to anymore don't exist. At night, my mind wanders to far away, happy places, where I'm far away from here, and where I am liked, where I have friends, where I am happy, where I am comforted for all the issues I've had in this life, where no matter my feelings, I am always comforted, where I am far away from all this crap, where I can be happy and free, and nothing else matters anymore.

Do I sound insane? I already know I've lost. I tried to stop. I tried, but then it all came back. Of course, I should have tried harder, but when you feel like you really don't have friends anymore, where you don't have anyone you can honestly talk to and share you wretched feelings with, would you want to leave? It's like another world, and no matter what happens, I can always be happy... be freed... and I can't explain it any clearer. I go there, and they always ask me why I wait till then before I let it all go. I tell them because no one wants to hear from me, no one wants to hear my feelings, my pains, why I'm always so upset, and then they tell me they will hear me out, and I listen, I give in, and I lose myself again, every night, every morning.

Sadly, this used to just be a nightly ritual to help me go to sleep. But now I can't function without my ritual, and it even continues into the morning. It's like I'm finally getting the life I want, except no one else can see them. It's just me and my friends, but I have to speak quietly, because I know no one else can see them. I can barely see them as it is, but I know they are there. Hah, one is beside me now. He isn't pleased, but at the same time, he's encouraging me to continue. It's comforting to know at least one person out there believes in me still. But he can't save me from this, because while I know he is there, no one elses seems to, and it's like I'm just insane.

I'm lucky they don't follow me outside the house. They don't like confronting these people I tell them about. They don't have to worry when they stay at the house, it's not like I have any friends that ever do, or want to visit anymore. While I have the rare visit from Becca maybe once a month, they disappear to my room, because they know I won't lead anyone there unless for absolute necessity, and I still manage to warn them. Could you imagine the responses I would get from taking this beyond my home?

No, you can't. Because, you, my reader, do not exist either.

A Mothers Rant

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 00:34:25 GMT

Topic: Mom's Rant
Mood: Crappy
Music: Chrono Crusade - Sayonara Solitia

So mom rants to me about my spending habits. She keeps saying "You'll have no money for college!"

Honestly, right now, I have no interest in college. I am smart in nothing, what the hell would my major be?

Breaking Point

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 23:11:13 GMT

Topic: An interesting story
Mood: Better
Music: Chrono Crusade - Tsubasa wa Pleasure Line

So, I bought Chrono Crusade on Friday. I finished it yesterday, and it was so depressing, I was even sadder than usual.

So I go to school, Zoe is angry because Chris said he'd be there, and she was lonely. He did show up, but we were both sitting together, in a zoned out sad mood.

Eventually Chris and Zoe had an arguement, causing both to cry, and made me cry. (I won't discuss their arguement - I don't think I was suppose to hear it, but I did..)

Anyways, so I was crying. Than I calmed down. Than I told Jenna about the ending to Chrono Crusade (because I told her about it, but hadn't finished it), and began crying again. I moved back to Zoe, and Chris and her had calmed down.

Chris leaned into Zoe, because he couldn't hear her, and Zoe let's out a huge burp in his face, making me go into hysterical laughter. So much, I was sobbing.

When I calmed down again, I moved back to my usual spot, but I was crying again. And I couldn't stop.

Ever had that feeling? I was laughing, having conversations, but I was crying so hard I couldn't see. It was like.. all that depression just built up until that moment.

Anyways, I feel a little better. Chrono Crusade is still sad, and makes me upset, but I'm no longer on the verge of tears.

What an odd day.

Who would care?

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 19:12:39 GMT

Topic: Lots of Junk, as per usual.
Mood: Depressed
Music: Nana Kitade - Hold Heart

Have you ever hit such a low, that you wonder about your own death? I was thinking today... if I died tomorrow, how many of my friends would really care?
What I mean is, of course everyone would be like "Oh God!" but from when Kel's friend Jana died, she was so overcome with grief, I wonder if I have a friend that would actually react that way?
I can't honestly think of one right now. They'd be upset (though some I don't even see that far), but would they cry, and mean it? Not just "Oh, how tragic", but a "Oh god, my friend died.." I still don't see anyone really doing that.

It's sad that I've lost faith in you all. But I have. I hate myself, and so how can I like anyone else? Plus, you all know I'm depressed. I don't have anyone to talk to either, because I'm alone in every frickening class, and at lunch, Jenna and Zoe are the only two who even talk to me, and it's not like we're close.

Thanks guys. If I die, you can all piece together you're collected information on why. Nadine has this, Erica has my story from today.. and well, there really is nothing else that I have told anyone about.

And even then, does Nadine really have this?